The W Family Chronicles

Lactation Angst

Posted on: June 18, 2007

Yes, I know there are people who read this who are totally freaked out by the mere mention of my boobs.  If that’s you, feel free to skip this one.

I have major fantasies of weaning C lately.  He’ll be 1 a week from tomorrow and I cannot express how thrilled I am that we made it this far and he’s not had any formula other than the few mL he had when we were still in the hospital.  In contrast to the disastrous breastfeeding situation I had with J, this is monumental for me.  But I am ready to have my body back.  To be able to wear my *good* bras.  To be able to roll over at night and say to D that it’s his turn to get C back to sleep.  To be able to drastically cut calories so I can lose some weight.  To be able to leave him for several hours without feeling guilty or being in pain.   To consider having another baby (yes, I know people can get pregnant while breastfeeding, but it appears that I’m probably not one of those) whether with or without the use of fertility drugs.

I know it’s all selfish.  I know that being a good mom means giving up being selfish a lot of the time.  D and I are the type of parents who sacrifice a LOT for our kids.  We know that they’ll only be little for a short time and we’ve decided that this time in our lives means that we don’t get what we want 95% of the time.  Actually, it means that our wants have evolved…and we’re OK with that.

I think a lot of it centers on the fact that we are co-sleeping with C.  He needs that closeness at night and we need our sleep, so it worked out best for all of us.  But I’m ready to have my bed back.  A little alone time with my husband.  Not having to worry about him crawling off the bed when I’m asleep. (Yes, it’s happened!)  Selfish, but there you have it.  If I could just get him in his own sleeping space, I think I could handle breastfeeding until *he* decides he’s done.  He is happy to eat anything you put on his plate or put in his mouth, so I think he would probably wean on his own within another year.  And I’d really like to get him through this winter without having to worry too much about germs and viruses.  He’s been *so* healthy and I truly believe it’s due to breastfeeding.  J brings home every bug coming and going, usually giving it to D and I too, but C has always escaped with very minor symptoms or no symptoms at all.

Hmmmmmm…what was the point I was trying to make?  I’m not sure I even know anymore.  I want to wean, but I don’t.  I want him to have what he needs at night, but I want him to have it in his own space.  I want to be a good mom, but I have selfish desires.  The dichotomy is something I’m really struggling with.  It’s frustrating and has led to a lot of angst on my part.  I think ultimately I’m going to try to nightwean AND get him to sleep in his own space.  Either his crib or the queen bed in his room.  I’m not entirely sure *how* to do that, but I think that’s the best plan with the least trauma involved for all of us.  I hope.

And if you read all of that rambling, you get a picture of me breastfeeding him at Tweetsie Railroad before Thomas took to the open rails last weekend.  I didn’t even know D took this until later, but I love how happy I look.  (Don’t worry…nothing’s showing!)

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1 Response to "Lactation Angst"

I don’t think it’s selfish. A happy mom is a good mom! I bottle feed both my children and they are no different compared to their friends who were breast feed. Couple time is also important. My husband and I consider our master bedroom a no kid zone. No toys are allowed or children sleeping in our bed. That is what has worked for us. I know everyone is different so do what is comfortable for your family and don’t worry about what people think. That’s my two sense.

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W Family Players

D is the dad, the husband, and the breadwinner. All around nice guy and good at pretty much everything he does. It's disgusting, really. But makes him worth keeping around.

M is the mom, the wife, and the hopeless housekeeper. At least the kids' heads haven't fallen off yet. Beyond that, she sucks at the "stay at home" thing. Oh, and she's the blogger.

J is the big boy. Born October 11 2002, he is in kindergarten and loves it. Now 6 years old, and too smart for his own good. Talks a lot but extremely entertaining.

C is the little boy. Born June 26, 2006, he went through a lot in his first year but is doing just fine now. The only blond in the family, so his paternity is routinely questioned by rude strangers.

V is our baby girl. She is brand new and arrived in January 2009. So far everything is going well. We're thrilled to have added the final piece to our family puzzle. And yes, she WILL be the final piece!

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